A letter to Jace
by readeverystory
Summary: Céline (Jace's mother) writes her unborn child a letter shortly before her death. Inspired by: The Wicked Ones


**I just finished reading the Wicked Ones and I was fascinated by Céline, so here is a little something about her (No spoilers but you probably should still read The Wicked Ones first)**

My dear little child,

it's finally summer. The birds are singing outside while I'm writing this. It is a lovely sound. I've always liked summer, it's always been my favourite time of year other than Stephen's. He hates it. He thinks it's too hot and too sweaty. He stays inside most of the time, while I like to go wandering around the hills looking for beautiful flowers. I wonder if you will like summer, my dear child. Just like I wonder so many things about you.

I don't know why I'm writing this letter, maybe it's because I felt you kick against my stomach earlier as if you wanted me to tell you what was on my mind. Or maybe it's because the end is nearing. I can feel it. I can sense it. The end is coming and I won't survive it.

I've always known I would die sooner or later, Shadowhunters don't tend to live long lives after all and I knew I had sealed my fate on that day when I swore my loyalty to Valentine. It is a long story and not one I am very proud of, not one a mother should ever tell her child, so I will keep what I did a secret, I hope you understand, my dear child. But whatever the case, I knew in that dreadful moment I would die with the Circle.

I never believed in the values of the Circle. I have no problem with Downworlders, in fact when I was a child I had considered the Shadow Market of Paris to be my home. It certainly felt more like a home than the cold and cruel estate I grew up on. Downworlders would give me food and I'd give them my thanks. I would befriend with other lonely Downworlder children, abandoned by their mundane parents who didn't understand what was going on with their children, until I had to bid my goodbye, until my own parents would find me again, dirty and filthy after living on the street for days. I wasn't among Shadowhunters during those few days, but the truth is that those few days in the year were my favourite once.

So I never agreed with Valentine on that, just as I didn't agree with Valentine on a lot of things. No, I was never in the Circle for politics, my reasons were more banal and still much more complex. I was in it for love, for family, for acceptance, for finally being seen. I don't know if I should be proud about that or even more ashamed. Because I never cheered when Valentine boasted about some victory over the Downworlders and in the little time I'm still given I will never cheer, so that is something to be proud of, is it not? But on the other hand I keep my mouth shut and stay silent while I know what he does is wrong. I know and I still don't care enough to do anything about it. I cast my eyes aside and wait for the storm to be over. In a way I am even worse than all of them together. In a way my hands are covered in more blood than Valentine's. And there is no excuse for it. It's not an excuse that I was young, when I joined, I was alone and Valentine gave me a family. It's no excuse that he understood, or seemed to understand. And it's certainly no excuse that he gave me Stephen.

By the Angel, Stephen. I am so sorry, Stephen, for what I did to you. I ripped you from your wife, from your love. I am so sorry, my dear child, for ripping you from the family you were meant to be born in. Stephen.

I loved him, you know, and when we married, I thought in time he would learn to love me too, or at least he'd learn to like me, maybe even to admire me. But the truth is, he never saw in me anything else but a child, a pathetic little girl, scarred from her past and scared from the world. You cannot learn to love someone, I know that now, but when Valentine offered him to me I was foolish enough to hope that maybe, maybe it is possible. I was wrong. I was so wrong. He has never looked at me the way he looked, the way he still looks at Amatis, with kindness, with respect, with love. Amatis was and will always be his first choice, his only choice. And I took his choice away from him. The truth is, I am the villain is this story. It's me that tore everything apart. Me and nobody else. Not even Valentine, he was just the one that made it possible, but it is me who is to blame. Me, me, me. Me. Me, that accepted the offer. Me, that said yes before the altar. Me.

It was me who had ruined his life, me who has ruined your life. You could have grown up in a healthy family, loved by both your parents, untouched by the darkness of the world. But I was selfish and blind and I ruined your life.

Maybe you hate me now, my dear child, for ruining everything and I couldn't blame you. Sometimes I hate myself. But I was young and desperate for love. Desperate for something I have never experienced. Not, at least, the way you should experience love. I was desperate for something that would hold me when I cried, instead of slapping me. I was desperate for someone that would kiss me when everything got too much, instead of taking out a whip. I was desperate for someone that would share my pain, instead of doubling it.

I don't know why it was Stephen I chose. Maybe because his blond hair and his lovely smile stuck out at the Academy. Maybe it was his soft voice, so different from all the other voices that I'd heard before in my life. Maybe it was also just the fact that he didn't treat me as completely invisible as the rest of the school did. Whatever it was I fell for him and I ruined his life with it. And I ruined your life with it too, my dear child. Because I know the ending is near and neither Stephen nor me will survive it. I've created an orphan and I am so terribly sorry, my child. You have been denied a chance of a happy life before you were even born and it's me again who's the one to blame. I am so very sorry. I am a terrible mother before I even had the chance to be one.

Goodbye, darling

Your mother Céline.


End file.
